“My cancer is back” …

“My cancer is back” …

My uncle (was like my dad) had cancer in his liver and some lesions in various other areas. He did treatments over the course of a year or so and it went away. Yay, right? Yes! But then, because of the treatment and other issues leading up to that in years prior, he needed a liver transplant. This wasn’t incredibly shocking because we new he would eventually need one but what was shocking was when we received a call last December saying “You’ve been moved to the top of the list, we think we have a match and come in now!” That’s enough to make your head spin in and of itself.

We went in 3 times, he was prepped and at the last minute the match wasn’t a match after all. But in January he was matched. It was a miracle. A hard one knowing that someone had to die for him to ultimately live but a miracle none the less. They anticipated he’d need to stay with me for 6 weeks post op. He defied those odds and stayed at my house for a WEEK and was released. So amazing! An answered prayer.

Of course there were some issues with meds and figuring out his new normal but he was healthy and continued to surprise not only us – his family – but the doctors. The first 3 months are the scariest and he was passing with flying colors. But then he started not feeling too well; he was getting more and more tired, he’d have unexplained pain, etc. but again we just thought this was part of the process and didn’t expect what was coming next.

At his 6 month follow up in July he underwent an mri. And that’s when life changed. He called like usual to fill me in and said “Well, the cancer is back, my liver is covered and has metastasized to vital organs like the lungs, etc.” WHAT?! How can this be?! My heart broke in that moment and 3 and a half short months later he died. Today is the one month anniversary of his funeral actually.

Death is odd. It can be beautiful for sweet old souls that pass in their sleep and then there’s the ugly; babies dying of cancer, horrific accidents, etc. The thing the two have in common are infinitely knowing you won’t see that person again earth side. And although I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns am I forever going to remain in a state of disbelief?

Have you ever been so lonely when you’re in a crowded room? I have. About 10 years ago my heart broke for the same uncle and I was so angry and desperate for God to help him. I cried out and pled and even though I knew in my heart that God does things in His timing my heart was shattered anyway and I was angry at God for about 2 years. Two loooooong years. I forced myself to pray, I had honest convos that went like: “God, I love you but I’m so angry at you. I don’t want to be but I am.” “WHY won’t you DO SOMETHING?!” And then some convos that conveyed my mastery in profanity. 🤬

I refuse to do that this time. I realized that God was with him every step of the way and He did help him in His time. And now this. I’m clinging to God with all of my might because if I don’t I can’t be the mom, friend, family member, human that I need and want to be.

So…. how am I dealing with this death that seems so unfair? By watching Christmas movies with my love bug and putting up my Christmas tree w/ enormous lights of course. 🤣🎄

I’m fully aware that Thanksgiving is weeks away and I give zero effs. 🤷🏼‍♀️ The holidays will be hard this year. This year has been hard. So if Christmas decorations bring us happiness then I’m down. I’d love to hibernate in my bed until I feel “normal” again but I refuse to. Instead I will honor him by taking care of my health even more so and by being the best me I can be because anything less than that wouldn’t be fair to my family, friends, him, and myself.

If you have had a loss and feel all alone – I see you. If you are angry at God – I understand you. If you are trying to find your happy in the midst of a storm – my heart is with you. ❤️